Friday, June 3, 2011

No 'Friday Moment' for me. Today is The Day.

Sullivan County CourthouseImage by joseph a via Flickr
Today will be the longest day of my life.  Today, all my past dreams and expectations feel as they are coming to an end and I am helpless to do anything about it.  Today, I want to find a deep hole and crawl down inside and cover myself up.  Today, our home of 15 years is being auctioned away on the front steps of the County Court house.

It has been 9 months since we walked out the door and tried hard not to look back, but the memories are still so much a part of me.  My mind continues to be flooded with times we spent building our house and making it a home.  Sometimes, it overwhelms me and I can't turn it off.
For years, my husband and I dreamed of building our own log home.  We spent years looking at log home packages.  Finally, after realizing that I would never find one that was just quite what I wanted, I designed my own. We were there, every cement block that was laid, every log laid, every window and door put in.  Our sweat and being is in every orifice of that house!  Every room tells a story.
 From the ground up...
Holds a memory for me...
Oh, how afraid I was to look down...
How everything had to be just perfect...
Every spec of my personality went into this house...
Each room was unique....
Everything was custom, nothing on paper....
 Straight out of my imagination...
Designing a separate level for my father and my children...
Choosing every light fixture for special reasons...
Everything was perfect...
So absolutely perfect!

So, what happened?  A lot happened in a very short period of time.  Mainly, I lost large clients.  Mostly, I wasn't prepared!  I wasn't ready for a set-back.  Everything was going along great and then the economy fell apart and we were gravely affected by it.  We had a cushion, but it didn't last long.
Nine months I have prepared for this day.  I have been telling myself 'this is a chance to turn over a new leaf, live a new life'.  Well, everyone, I am here to tell you that it is a crock of shit!  Most people don't know our situation.  Of the ones that do, most don't say anything, the rest just tell me to get over it and move on.  So very easy to say!  I really had myself convinced that I was 'over it'!  But getting closer and closer to today has made me realize that I am not.  I want to kick and scream!  I want to tear somebody's head off!  I want to...I want to...

I am sick at the thought that someone else will drive up our driveway and walk into our house.
I am sick to my stomach to think that someone else will be living in our house!  Sleeping in our bedroom!  Cooking in my damn kitchen!  Have horses in our barns and pastures!
Am I pissed???  I don't know what to call all the emotions that I am experiencing right now.  All I know is that as of 10:01 am this morning someone else will own a 6,192 sq foot, custom designed log home with ~30 acres of prime farm land and 3 barns, one of which is a riding arena.
I sit here writing and realize that there is a part of me that just wants to be held close, to hear the words "everything is going to be alright, this doesn't matter".  I want someone to hold me and comfort me.  I don't want to be the 'strong, responsible woman that everyone expects me to be.  May I have permission to be weak just one day??  I need that break today.

Can someone please tell me how I should feel?
How do I get these memories and images to leave my mind?
How do I move on and leave the negativity behind?©

18 comments:

Laura said...

Quite simply, although it is not simple, allow yourself to mourn.

Please believe me when I say I feel the emptiness, the anger, and everything else that goes along with this moment right along with you.

I am sorry, and I will not tell you anything uplifting, because you need to cry, to mourn, to feel the loss so that eventually you can move on.

Much love xoxo

Roy Durham said...

Anna i know how you feel. me i'm mad as hell, i'm ready to kill, i want to see the bastard of wall street hung form the stock exchange entrance. every congressman and government official that stood by and let this happen hung on the courthouse steps. i feel for you and your family. i have fought for the last four years to keep my modest home. i have won for now and i am still in mine. but i tell you i will burn it to the ground with me and my wife in it before i will let them take. my prays are with you and for you god bless

Alejandro said...

Fuck them! You will build another!
I don't know the circumstances as to why. But F me! I now you to be strong and resilient. It is a something you built but yet you can build a better one now..

Love A

Corinne Rodrigues said...

Anna - I want to reach across the miles and hold you and tell you that I understand your pain.......I'm sorry you have to go through this. Some day years from now you'll see a purpose..but for now stay strong, dearest lady.

Nelieta said...

Anna I am so very sorry for your loss. We built our own house too and I know what you mean. We know exactly where every pipe and wire is.

I am sorry....

A big hug.

SJ said...

It's so easier for others to say move on but when you've poured your heart, soul and sacrificed all your dreams you know its not that easy.

My mum experienced the same as you, built her own home and we were made homeless when I was 15, I don't know how you should feel but I know how I feel and I know how she felt back then. Looking at it now she says she didn't like it anymore anyway :) she went on to do it again I have faith that once you've had time to grieve as Laura says that you'll be onto bigger and better things.

Much love hunni oxox

Franca said...

Anna I was so sorry to read about your loss, we lost most of our savings ,and the repurcussions of it are still ongoing.As hard as it is you must try and stay strong what was lost is material things, it was a hard heartbreaking fall , so we must try and not to be defeated , pick ourselves up and rebuild our lives.:)

Bongo said...

No one should tell you to "get over it"or how you should feel...it hurts and you have a right to feel what you feel whatever it is.. yell..kick..scream..cry... get it out...I love you.. here's my hand if you want it...As always...XOXOXOXO

crazyladyx5 said...

Oh sweety.. Feel as you do. You ARE losing a part of you. I am so sorry and I felt teary eyed reading your story. MOURN!! Life will go on, even when you don't feel like it is. I pray that one day you will be able to build your dream home again.
HUGS!

Alpana Jaiswal said...

My heart goes out to you..take care,and I love u.

Mari Sterling Wilbur said...

You should mourn for your loss! You built a beautiful dream - the house is gorgeous, the barns, the horses - obviously all important to you. I agree with Roy about politics and the economy - it infuriates me to no end. I'm now following your blog and sending my best wishes to you and your family.

Regards, Mari

http://www.mariscamera.blogspot.com/

Jewell said...

Anna...this is a loss in your life. It's perfectly acceptable to cry and to be nasty and to acknowledge the feelings coursing through you. Not allowing them to do so will eat you away into someone other than who you truly are.

Your situation kind of reminds me of a storm...like a tornado or tsunami that takes everything in it's path. Your storm was a financial one like so many others in the country. In the end though, it's a house. It's property. You have your life, you have your family. In the end, that's really what's important.

In the meantime though...through a big, cuss-filled fit! I know I would!

I'm so sorry you are having to go through this! xo

hocam said...

I wish I could reach through my computer to give you a hug. My sincere sympathy to you and your family.
You are entitled to kick and scream and mourn your loss. You are entitled to be weak for a while. Later is time enough to pick yourself up and start again.
Your house is truly beautiful and you will be able to create a new home again wherever it may be. But for now give yourself time to grieve.

Jessica M said...

I am so, so very sorry. I can honestly say I can relate to this in a way...we lost our home three years ago, it was one of the hardest experiences of my life.We had only lived in it for two years, but it was our "forever home". Our daughter was devastated..I was 9 months pregnant when we were forced to move and had to scurry to find a place.

My prayers will be for you and your family. All that I can say, is though it might seem like a place where memories and hope and dreams were just taken away from you...allow yourself the time to mourn and then know that better days will come...of healing and joy. They will come...xoxo

~blessings

Debra said...

This is such a beautiful, warm, and inviting home to be forced to leave. It must feel like part of your soul has been ripped from you. Like a child you have borne, nurtured and nursed, loved and tended, then lost to death.

melissa said...

i saw how much love you put in your house... you built it together with your dreams and family... and to lose it is really painful... i embrace you anna... i wish there could be something more that could be done... and i truly wish you could have your house back... but perhaps, God is opening a new door for you at the moment... so just be patient with yourself and feel the loss... but then say goodbye to it with a peaceful and restful mind... i'll be near in prayers... take care of yourself...

FAYE said...

A BIG BIG HUG FOR YOU. I'm not good at giving good words to ease what you're feeling right now.

Pray. Everything happens for a reason.

Hugs and Kisses,
FAYE

Finding One's Way said...

Anne,
I am here late reading your post. Your home was/is beautiful... I know what you are going through I have been there.... I was glad I got to hold your hand to day when you were going through it..
Love ya Anne,
xoxo
Jess